and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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