Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
