I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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