If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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