She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
should my penis look like a turkey
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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