Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
