I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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