The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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