Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
