so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
