I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
