I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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