I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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