I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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