Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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