I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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