this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
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