i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
