So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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