I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
