I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
