I wish they made helmets for livers.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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