My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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