so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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