Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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