i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
