Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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