U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
