I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
