I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
