Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
