So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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