mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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