Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Tornado booty call.. dedication
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
