I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
