Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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