we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
