I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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