We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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