hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
