Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
