Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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