he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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