You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
