He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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