Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
