I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
