He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
