remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
