just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Small penises have feelings too.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
