I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
