please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
