it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
