im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
