I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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