The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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