I just made out with a guy for $7.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
