I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
did i walk over a car last night?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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