well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
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