to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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