all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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