I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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