On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
