either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
